My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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