There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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