Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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