Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
