u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
