Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
