just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
