True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
