two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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