I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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