I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
