Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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