FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
