You can't motorboat a personality
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
