I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
