My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
