Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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