May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
