His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
