I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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