At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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