hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
