I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
