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no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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