Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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