Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
So here I am, sexting at work.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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