Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
