Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
