Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
