Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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