What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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