He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
