i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
