On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
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