I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
