conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
send nudes
from the living room?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
