I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
