I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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