exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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