Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
