I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
