apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
