plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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