First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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