theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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