I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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