Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Randomize
