I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
