Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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