She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
