Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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